Hasan’s Presidential Campaign | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

Hasan’s Presidential Campaign | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix


Oh my God, “Which of the following items
is not essential for an Indian picnic: chutney, fresh fruit, styrofoam plates,
or a warm two liter bottle of soda?” It’s fresh fruit, that’s not essential. You need a warm RC Cola,
two liter, you call it. “If you were running for president,
what would your political slogan be?” I don’t know. Do you have a fav— This is from Romia. What do you— what’s your favorite? Political slogan. There was never a candidate that you really—
that you’re like, “That’s a good one.” They’re all kinda bad, aren’t they? They’re too, like, generic. I mean they’re catchy, they’re just like, platitudes, right? Like, uh, what was Obama’s in ‘08? “Yes we can?” Was it “Yes we can” or “Hope?” It was both? What was the official— We don’t even— I don’t even know. Clinton 2016 was “Stronger together.” Which you’re like, “Alright.” “Sure.” I think the saddest one was Jeb. Remember Jeb in 2016? It was just “Jeb!” exclamation point. They were like “Give it the— give it the,” —
He was like, “Give it energy… Jeb!” That’s how you know he like, he was just like,
“Come on, like really? Give it two exclamations.” They’re like, “We’ll just give it one.” It really should have been like, “Jeb?” Question like, “Jeb?” Or like, “Jeb…?” dot dot dot question mark. I think what you have to have in a slogan
is something that’s like, specific that everyone can agree on that you can always bring
back into like, any debate. ’Cause I’m gonna be out of
my league on a lot of issues. So like, my campaign slogan would be like, “Hasan Minhaj 2020: Stop telling me to wear sunscreen.” You know what I mean, and like everyone’s
like, “Yeah fuck that! Yeah, I hate that!” So we’ll be talking about like,
energy or climate and I’ll be like, “I don’t know what any of that stuff was, but we need to stop telling
each other to wear sunscreen.” It’s like, “Hasan Minhaj 2024: Paper straws are fucking gross.” Right, and everyone’s like, “Yes!” You see, like, your visceral reaction,
you were like, “Ah, gross!” And everyone’s like, “Let’s go!” “Let’s go!” Bipartisan support! “What are your thoughts on Sean Spicer
being cast on Dancing With the Stars?” This is from Lauren? Yeah, what do you think? Okay, I think that’s everyone’s— I think that’s— yeah, yeah. How and why? Okay. Are you upset? Okay. Confused— it just doesn’t make sense. So, you guys, for those of
you guys who don’t know— so, Sean Spicer, former press secretary, Spicer resigned in 2017, now he’s on Dancing with the Stars. And some people are like, upset. I think the thing that we’re all negotiating
and we’re trying to adjudicate is, what is the perfect amount of time,
you know, before someone comes back? When do we, like, officially forgive them? It’s different for everybody, right? Remember what it was for George W.? When he gave candy to Michelle
Obama at his dad’s funeral. We were like— The moment that Laffy Taffy
hit her palm, we were like, “He’s alright.” He had to become an artist and he had to
give Michelle Obama candy and we’re like, “Iraq never happened.” Isn’t that weird? He’s on Dancing with the— It’s not
like he’s gonna do well on it. That would be— That would be the injustice. It’s like, “This guy’s on Dancing with the Stars,” and then he goes all the way and wins it. That’s wrong! You know it’ll be bad news for me when you
guys see me on Dancing with the Stars. That’s when you know I’ll be like— it’ll just be like,
“Hey, I’m Hasan Minhaj, diapers are expensive.” “What rapper would you tell
your grandkids about?” Lil Yachty. Chef Boyardee, duh. Soulja Boy, I’d tell them about Soulja Boy. He’s an innovator. He had a song called “Kiss Me Thru the Phone”
in 2008, and FaceTime came out in 2010. Can we not just give him props
for what he talked about? You guys do the math. What rapper would you— What rapper
would you tell your kids about? Drake? Okay. You’d be like, “You gotta listen to this guy.” And your kids will be like, “The—
The dude from Degrassi?” And you’re like, “Trust me. He was on
Degrassi, he was in a wheelchair, but then he started rapping.” They’re like, “He was in a wheelchair
and then he started rapping?” I know, it’s one of the prerequisites
to being an Indian guy. It’s like, do you like rap? Do you try to be black? Do you like Drake? Do you
get a lineup? Do— Dude, I’m a— I’m part of the problem, too. “If you’re a 50-year-old Indian dad
rocking Air Jordans, are you technically considered an uncle?” This is from Anjali. How old do you think I am? Wait, is Anjali here? How old do you think I am? No, I’m older than 30. I’m not 30. I’m 33. But now that I have a kid, am I an uncle? I think I’m an uncle. As soon as she was born and I was like,
she came out, I’m like, “I’m an uncle.” It’s like my pants turned into sweatpants. “If you had to either parachute,
bungee jump, or hang glide, which would you choose and why?” This is from Ben Smith. First of all, I don’t know
if that’s a real person. Ben Smith? That’s just a made up name. That’s not real. Is Ben Smith here? Ben, that’s not a real name. “This is from John Doe.” For real, or is it Benjamin or like? Benjamin, okay. Why is this the scenario? You’re like, “In ten minutes when you go
outside, you’re gonna be chased, Mission Impossible style. Now do you bungee jump?” “If there could be anyone in this world that
you could choose to be the U.S. president, who would it be?” This is from Janice. Is Janice here? Who would you choose? My dad?! You would choose Najme? For real? Have you guys met? What? You understand what that— what would happen? Like the global implications? He’s, like, throwing sandals
at other world leaders. He puts Kajol on the five
dollar bill, he’s like— Everyone will be like, “Why does the five
dollar bill have a unibrow on it?” He’s like, “No she’s really…” I love her unibrow, shut up you guys. Love that shit. She did Anthony Davis before Anthony Davis. Respect that, bro. You know what I would definitely do? I would definitely try to get a job. I’d be like, “Dad, come on, you gotta—
you gotta hook it up.” And I know what he would do, he would just,
like, make me in charge of like, Estonia. I’m like, “What?!” And then my younger sister
would be like, cabinet member. It’d be a Banana Republic really fast. He’d change the address from 1600 Penn
to Hasan Got a 1310 On the SAT. 1310 Penn, what?

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About the Author: John Markowski

100 Comments

  1. Hassan Minhaj has more right to run for president than Ted Cruz ever did; at least Hassan meets the born in the USA criteria.

  2. Please please please an episode on baluchistan with Pakistan's interference and stuff ?? I Know u guys r coming back in November

  3. Trust me, people do care, they may be stupid, uneducated labor people… they do care about promises and slogans. ? ? ? ? ? ?

  4. #save_the_iraqi_people
    PLZ save us we are getting killed in the streets just coz we want our rights and kicking out the government and the all the corrupted parties ?

  5. #save_the_iraqi_people
    PLZ save us we are getting killed in the streets just coz we want our rights and kicking out the government and the all the corrupted parties ?

  6. #save_the_iraqi_people
    PLZ save us we are getting killed in the streets just coz we want our rights and kicking out the government and the all the corrupted parties ?

  7. Sometimes I want the audience member not to identify themselves so he’s forced to answer the question faster.
    “Amy? Is Amy here? …..AMY!”

  8. I was rewatching Homecoming King on the bus this morning and my friend peered over at my screen. We ended up watching it until we had to get off the bus. She texted saying that you were hilarious and that she was binge watching your videos.

  9. I don't use plastic straws. Yes, paper straws are aren't fun but we and creatures in the ocean are eating plastic via the food chain and water pollutants, and sea creatures are choking on it. Plastic biodegrades in 450 years! And according to the weather channel, there are billions of plastic pebbles being created by oil companies from the byproducts of plastic products that they're releasing into the ocean. So get a metal or glass straw. I also buy plastic second-hand and clothing secondhand whenever possible or find an alternative like cloth diapers (two years of disposable diapers supposedly creates two tons of waste–in any case, it's a lot). Btw, a great show topic would be the huge carbon footprint of new clothes, including but not limited to polyester which we eat from our water and food, and the horrible working conditions for mostly women and children. Also, researchers believe organic cotton versus GMO is actually cheaper to produce. Our children will thank us if we, of course, do 'little things' and more. Btw, Hasan and anyone reading this, according to research, plastic and synthetic fragrances, which contain BPA, a plasticizer, are EDCs (endocrine disrupting chemicals), and refined sugar causes chronic disease. Thanks so much for your work, Hasan! Thank you for speaking out against student loan debt to Congress! Btw, this reminds me a little of how Mr. Rogers spoke to Congress about the importance of funding public television for children. We do not weave this web of life. We are merely a strand of it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. –Chief Seattle

  10. I was screaming inside so much that I had to stop the clip and post this before I continued watching.

    Mr. Minhaj, you have the perfect political slogan already. It is from your Homecoming King special.

    Audacity of Equality.

  11. Can you make an episode on Iraq and it's political situation and especially the protests which is happening right now #Save_the_Iraqi_people ???? and everyone please pray for the freedom of iraq

  12. So I was reading Uglies the book and it says," The really ugly ones are politicians, and someone told me that the fatties are mostly comedians." Do you consider yourself fat.

  13. Hi, could you do an episode on this please: https://youtu.be/05oMsK0-jjA
    It's about the water crisis in Chile and how the avocado farms have made the situation extremely bad.

  14. I ALWAYS thought that you would look awesome with a unibrow! ?? Everything has a like amount! Now that you've said you love it.. How many likes do you need to let it grooow, let it groOoow?? ?

  15. Hey Hasaan, Greatwork man keep it up. Please do a episode on climate change, i guess people need to know about this. धन्यवाद
    .

  16. i watch all of your videos not because i like them, but because i hate myself and i like to torture myself, watching your shitty videos, feels like that.

  17. i truly think you can produce something great, but you have this desire to be liked and relateable, but truly great comdeians push deep and dark and put it out in the world, not because they are relateable, but they are hilarious.

  18. 3:45 man I was really giving this guy a shot, I even chuckled a few times over Jeb!.. and he had to make me the bad guy by as if only Michelle Obama’s tribe are the good people. His crowd looked liberal, I should have cut this sooner

  19. Hasan, You should talk about Airline companies and why they are so much hated . They make people pay more and give way more stress and disrespect . How is this happening without them fearing consequences ?I would like to hear what you have to say about it. Thank you for this show.

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