Put your hand in my hand Now turn out the light Lay me down on our bed, on the laundry Just like you did that night. (It was last Thursday) The kids are asleep and I can’t wait for your kiss Just as soon as I load the dishwasher, clean the catbox and confirm tomorrow’s appointment with the orthodontist. Let’s make some parental love I ain’t talking soft and gentle love Some under seven minute love Let’s do it in the married-with-children way. Some folks think it must be boring They think the magic’s gone (And they’re right) But magic or not this is gonna get hot Well, maybe more like lukewarm. Now slide out of your sweatpants and I’ll take off my thermal slippers Close the door, make sure it’s locked because the big one knows how to jimmy it with a toenail clipper. Let’s make some parental love Some freaky deaky mental love This ain’t no baby-making lovemaking Thank god we saved up for your vasectomy Let’s do some things that would traumatize the kids if they could see I’ll even do that thing that I usually save for your birthday Now go, press play on that smooth jazz cd (Ohhhh, make me scream, just remember about that pinched nerve in my back) Our days have been long and frustrating The dog (dog) threw up in my car (car) So light a candle, feel for my love handle and run your fingers up my c-section scar. You can imagine that I’m Salma Hayek I’ll pretend that you’re Ryan Gosling If I fall asleep in the middle, just keep on going But try to minimize the jostling. (I really gotta get some sleep tonight) We gonna make some parental love (BABY CRYING) But maybe not right at this moment love (BABY SCREAMING) Can we raincheck our bi-weekly love? Let’s try again next Saturday. We gonna make some parental love. Some pregnancy prevent-al love Some sometimes flatulent-al love (sorry) Let’s do it in the married-with-children way. I want me some of that parental love Some not-so-monumental love No surprises, just some regular love Let’s do it in the mawwa wa sah-sah sahhhh (SNORING) Move!